She was never overly involved in high school, and I think that was one of the main reasons we parted ways with different groups of friends. Hers were the kind to go to class, unnoticed, do everything they were supposed to, sit in the caf at lunch eat their lunches, go back to classes, and head home without reminding anyone of who they were. Mine were the kind who were involved in student council, we were always doing something different, we all have different interests and were involved in the school in one way or another. We went to classes and answered questions and made sure people and teachers knew who we were, we ate lunch in the caf, but mingled and found other things to do, and after school we all went our separate ways to band practice, drama rehearsal, art class or sports practice. Neither one of our groups would have ever been considered 'popular', but my friends were noticed and remembered, even still.
She didn't attend our graduation. She headed up to her cottage after high school and started working full time, and lived on her own at the family cottage. As the summer came to a close we started talking again online. We felt it was time to meet up and catch up. It wasn't long until we were right back where we had once started. She had been dating a guy since grade 12, and they had just broken up, so I helped her through that. She has always been looking for 'the one', and every relationship she has ever started has been looking till the end, as opposed to the moment. So with every breakup comes a big slap in the face that it didn't work out forever. She was starting at university, and I was heading back to high school. During the year we hadn't kept in touch as much as we thought, but we never forgot each other. We both were doing our own thing, and when summer came around again we were closer. She spent it up at her cottage again but we talked a lot, and saw each other when she was home.
This next year we were 19, I was working full time at home, and all of my friends from high school had gone off to university or college. She was living at home and commuting to school, so we had each other. We went out all the time, usually just the 2 of us, and had a blast. It was great to see her come out of her shell, and be ok with going to a bar without a group of people. We danced our hearts out, drinks were usually bought for us, and we met lots of 'bar boys' who were right for the time, and forgotten by the next round another night. This continued until January, or until I got a boyfriend. She never was comfortable around me when I had a boyfriend, I am not sure if this translated to other friends as well, but she made it seem like if I had a boyfriend we couldn't hang out as much. I am also sure now that I was partly to blame, especially with this boyfriend. We started dating, knowing that in a couple of months he was taking off to New Zealand for a year, or longer, so we spent all of our free time together, savouring. She was there for me when he left, and continued to be there for me through it all. The bar nights started up again,and the fun began. Then she started dating someone. I met him a couple of times, and he seemed nice enough. He was a friend of a friend of a friend of hers. Then she asked me to come down to his place for his birthday. We would stay at his place for the night and head out the next day. We had a great time that night, but when we got home I was to sleep on the couch in the living room. He had 3 girl roommates and one of them had dogs, and there was dog shit and piss everywere in the living room, with newspaper laid over top of it. It smelled so rancid, I was ready to puke, and rather than offer me a spot on his bedroom floor or something, that's where they left me. I didn't sleep a wink. I called my mom first thing in the morning and was ready to have her come and rescue me. Then he came down the stairs, so I ran up. She was watching TV, so I watched with her, and when he came back up he started kissing her neck, and feeling her up, while I was right there. I was so pissed, so I left and went for a walk outside. When I came back in I demanded we leave, or I was having my mom drive the hour to come and get me. We left, and silence filled the car the whole way home. I have never felt more disrespected, and that statement still holds true.
We pulled away from each other a bit after that, as she knew how I felt about her boyfriend. I spent the rest of the summer hanging out with my friends from high school who were all home from university and college. Before I knew it, it was September and I was heading off to university.
During university we rarely talked, she would tell me she would come and visit me, but it never happened. I knew it would never happen. Whenever she had the time to drive somewhere it would be to go and see her boyfriend. She was and still is the kind of person to say that she is going to do something, and then never do it, or when it's about to happen she makes a phonecall and an excuse for the reasons she can't follow through. I would get so frustrated and I can remember numerous times where we would have plans and only an hour or less before the plan took place I would get a phone call from her apologizing about how something can up, or she forgot she had to do this, or she was now feeling sick. She is the most unmotivated person I know, and the more I write, the more I understand the kind of person she truly is. It is much different than the person I thought I knew.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
University Casualty
It's funny when you're parents are right, it's even more funny when it takes you a couple years to figure out that they were right all along.
After taking a fifth year of high school and then a year off to work full time, I finally decided to go back to school.
The year I graduated I had received admissions to every school I applied to. There were 3 universities and 5 colleges, an unending supply of knowledge at my fingertips. The problem was that as much as I didn't feel ready to head off to school, I was also a terrible money saver, and still am. My parents, as much as they wanted my sister and I to go to school, they never saved any money for us, and we weren't rich enough for them to just send us away and pay the bill. However, they made too much money for me to eligible for OSAP (FYI - a government loan to allow students the funds the further their education). They also always told us that we wouldn't appreciate it if they just went ahead and paid the tuition, we needed to earn it ourselves. School that year was out of the question.
I spent the next year wasting away for a fifth year. I slacked everywhere I could and made no effort to make the most of the extra year. I was a part time student, and had all my afternoons off. I think I had 4 courses, most of which were joke courses, and the year did nothing for my average. I didn't apply to any schools that year because I still had no money to attend anywhere. It's unsettling to think about this now, because I worked all through high school, and somehow never had any money saved. (I should be rich right now, but in fact am in a similar situation today.)
I was sick of watching my friends have the time of their life while away at school, so I began working full time as a hostess at a fine dining restaurant. I had worked there part time during high school as well. It was a fantastic job, that came with lots of hours, so I set my mind to saving, and was determined to attend school the following September. I applied to 3 universities this time, and only got into one. I was disappointed, because the one I got into wasn't even the school I had applied to, or the program. It was a satellite school in a different city, and a new program offer. I was disappointed, but I didn't make all this money and time into nothing. My mom and I went and checked out the school, and decided it was a go. I accepted my offer, and made the decision to enter residence, even though the school was only 45 minutes from where I lived. I said goodbye to the job I loved, even after being offered a management position for front of house. I thought I was ready to leave the confines of teenage life, and start fulfilling my own.
My residence life began with 4 other girls. We lived in a new building, and had a huge place. The residences at the satellite university were set up like apartments, full kitchens, and living rooms, and bathrooms. One of my roommates was the Don, and the other 3 girls were "interesting". 2 of the girls were best friends, and had come to university together, they formed a quick bond with the third girl as well. I thought they were weird, but I wanted to fit in, so I made the best of everything. Our orientation week was awesome, but unfortunately everyone kind of stuck to their new roommates during outings and events, I followed suit and did the same. This meant that I missed out on a lot of the fun things that went on, as my roommates were very introverted and made the whole thing seem ridiculous and wanted no part of it. As I have mentioned before I was very outgoing, and thrived on the things that were happening around me. I wanted to be involved, but I didn't know how without the support of my roommates. Luckily, before the week was over I made some friends in my building, and began hanging out with them, and was able to taste a bit of the fun that O-Week had to offer. I knew from this point on, things were only going to get worse for my roommates and I.
(My roommates, minus the Don, on Halloween)
I decided to stop letting my roommates stop me from having fun and being the person I wanted to be. I applied for a position on the residence student council, and after my interview I was asked to accept the position of the residence council president. I was honoured and excited, and the friends that I made during O-Week were super supportive, and excited for me as well! I also had a job at a new fine dining restaurant down the street as a hostess, but played more of an integral role in the restaurant than they ever gave me credit for. I was in a relationship as well. We had started dating in January before university. We had been together or only 2 months when he took off to New Zealand for a year. We decided to continue our relationship and make the best of it. We had turned it into an open relationship by the summer, but were still talking on the phone regularly, and "in love" during university. I had a lot on my plate. I started making dozens of friends, and since I was a little bit older than the rest of the students in residence, they looked to me for answers, and parties. This is where things start to change.
It's hard to write this, as I realize now, that a lot of what I am about to recount is fuzzy in my memory. Not sure whether it's due to what I did to my mind and body, or whether I subconsciously blocked it out of my mind for fear of what remembering it might do.
To be continued...
Love, N
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thoughts
I remember who I was, and I know who I want to be, but for some reason I have been stuck in this rut, for how long I'm not even sure, being neither of these people. Lost.
I wonder though, is the person I thought I was the person I actually was? Or was I oblivious to what was going on around me, or lying to myself about who I was or thought I was? These questions have been ringing through my head for the last couple of months, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them.
I was talking with a friend at work, and we were talking about how to change your way of thinking, and just start processing it all. I asked him how you were to begin processing it all, and he told me to just sit down and start writing. I couldn't believe how simple the answer was. I have been feeling so off, and so down on myself for so long, and all I had to do was sit down and write? It got me thinking, I have always been a writer, English was my favourite class, and I always had a diary, although I was never able to be completely honest with myself or the diary for fear of myself reading it and not liking what was on the page, or of someone else finding it and figuring out what was really going on inside of my head. I knew for my own success of figuring it all out I needed to change the medium of how I wrote. I have another friend who is going through her own sadness, and she started an online journal to put all of her thoughts on. This idea came back to me as I started motivating myself to change. Here I am...
I have this unbelievable pull to keep thinking about the past, and basing where I am right now, and where I want to be on the past. I can sit here and tell my self that looking to the past is meaningless, and only stalling my progress, but it feels like it doesn't matter. I wonder if maybe there is a reason I am looking backwards, something I am supposed to see, I'm hoping that getting everything out of my head is going to help me see.
I was always super outgoing, I made friends easily, and fit in with pretty much everyone. My teachers loved me, my bosses, my family, aunts and uncles, and most people I came in contact with. I was always described as bubbly, and happy all the time. I had lots of friends, and had great confidence in myself, and pretty much everything I did. I was also always known as a talker, always having something to say, now it feels like I hardly talk, and when I do I feel self conscious about what it is I am saying, and find myself wondering if people even care. I know I don't need to go back to who I was, but I certainly don't want to continue with the person I am right now.
I have all these dreams and aspirations, but they have been hard to keep track of, and I have lost the will to want to succeed. I have become so afraid of failure that I haven't been putting myself out there. I have been thinking about going back to school. I took a year off after high school, and then headed off to University out of town. I was in a course that I wasn't really interested in, and in a city which was absolutely dreadful. I was there because I thought I needed to go to school. I started the year out on a great note, I was president of the Residence Council, and had a great job at a new restaurant, but it wasn't long until the downward spiral began (which is another story). I ended up receiving a letter in the mail back at home in the summer. I kept it from my parents for weeks, until my mom finally found it, and it was then out in the open that I had been put on a year probation because I had failed most of my classes, and barely passed the rest. (This is the first time I think I have been truly honest about what has gone on in my past, and maybe some of the reasons I am in the place where I am at right now...maybe this is the reason I am still looking so hard to the past - I need to finally let out all of my hidden demons, all of the things I feel ashamed of, and have hid for so long, or just not dealt with because of the disgust I feel for some of the things that have happened. I need to accept my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and just be honest, get it off my chest.)
It's been 2 years since I failed out of University, I never decided to go back, partly because I was ashamed, part because I had no money, and because I knew it wasn't for me, and it never was. I know that I don't want to go back to school again for something that I am not interested in, but for the last 2 years I haven't been able to find what moves me. My boyfriend asks me all the time, "what moves you?" and I don't even know how to answer that question.
There are a lot of things that I am interested in, a lot of them seem unattainable, and not very practical. I've always had expensive taste and a flair for fashion, but for where I am at in my life right now, moving in those directions just doesn't seem possible. Now I know that anything is possible, but I feel like I need to find something to do that I enjoy, and then move towards the dreams. I was looking at Business Marketing programs today, which is something I have always thought about, but never really thought about. After reading up on the program it sounds like something I would definitely be interested in, and a program that I would be keep focused on because it was something I wanted for myself. Then I came to the requirements, I was always a pretty good high school student, although I only really excelled in the courses that I loved, the rest I did average or just above, but I had a pretty good average. Except that after grade 9, I hated math. It used to be a decent subject for me, until a terrible teacher ruined that for me. Regardless, after grade 10 I stopped taking math, and it is a requirement for the program. This means that I have to upgrade my courses, and head back to and adult learning school. The thought of this terrifies me more than actually going back to school. However, I guess if this is something I really want I need to be willing to do whatever I can to make it happen.
Wish me luck!
Love, N
I wonder though, is the person I thought I was the person I actually was? Or was I oblivious to what was going on around me, or lying to myself about who I was or thought I was? These questions have been ringing through my head for the last couple of months, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them.
I was talking with a friend at work, and we were talking about how to change your way of thinking, and just start processing it all. I asked him how you were to begin processing it all, and he told me to just sit down and start writing. I couldn't believe how simple the answer was. I have been feeling so off, and so down on myself for so long, and all I had to do was sit down and write? It got me thinking, I have always been a writer, English was my favourite class, and I always had a diary, although I was never able to be completely honest with myself or the diary for fear of myself reading it and not liking what was on the page, or of someone else finding it and figuring out what was really going on inside of my head. I knew for my own success of figuring it all out I needed to change the medium of how I wrote. I have another friend who is going through her own sadness, and she started an online journal to put all of her thoughts on. This idea came back to me as I started motivating myself to change. Here I am...
I have this unbelievable pull to keep thinking about the past, and basing where I am right now, and where I want to be on the past. I can sit here and tell my self that looking to the past is meaningless, and only stalling my progress, but it feels like it doesn't matter. I wonder if maybe there is a reason I am looking backwards, something I am supposed to see, I'm hoping that getting everything out of my head is going to help me see.
I was always super outgoing, I made friends easily, and fit in with pretty much everyone. My teachers loved me, my bosses, my family, aunts and uncles, and most people I came in contact with. I was always described as bubbly, and happy all the time. I had lots of friends, and had great confidence in myself, and pretty much everything I did. I was also always known as a talker, always having something to say, now it feels like I hardly talk, and when I do I feel self conscious about what it is I am saying, and find myself wondering if people even care. I know I don't need to go back to who I was, but I certainly don't want to continue with the person I am right now.
I have all these dreams and aspirations, but they have been hard to keep track of, and I have lost the will to want to succeed. I have become so afraid of failure that I haven't been putting myself out there. I have been thinking about going back to school. I took a year off after high school, and then headed off to University out of town. I was in a course that I wasn't really interested in, and in a city which was absolutely dreadful. I was there because I thought I needed to go to school. I started the year out on a great note, I was president of the Residence Council, and had a great job at a new restaurant, but it wasn't long until the downward spiral began (which is another story). I ended up receiving a letter in the mail back at home in the summer. I kept it from my parents for weeks, until my mom finally found it, and it was then out in the open that I had been put on a year probation because I had failed most of my classes, and barely passed the rest. (This is the first time I think I have been truly honest about what has gone on in my past, and maybe some of the reasons I am in the place where I am at right now...maybe this is the reason I am still looking so hard to the past - I need to finally let out all of my hidden demons, all of the things I feel ashamed of, and have hid for so long, or just not dealt with because of the disgust I feel for some of the things that have happened. I need to accept my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and just be honest, get it off my chest.)
It's been 2 years since I failed out of University, I never decided to go back, partly because I was ashamed, part because I had no money, and because I knew it wasn't for me, and it never was. I know that I don't want to go back to school again for something that I am not interested in, but for the last 2 years I haven't been able to find what moves me. My boyfriend asks me all the time, "what moves you?" and I don't even know how to answer that question.
There are a lot of things that I am interested in, a lot of them seem unattainable, and not very practical. I've always had expensive taste and a flair for fashion, but for where I am at in my life right now, moving in those directions just doesn't seem possible. Now I know that anything is possible, but I feel like I need to find something to do that I enjoy, and then move towards the dreams. I was looking at Business Marketing programs today, which is something I have always thought about, but never really thought about. After reading up on the program it sounds like something I would definitely be interested in, and a program that I would be keep focused on because it was something I wanted for myself. Then I came to the requirements, I was always a pretty good high school student, although I only really excelled in the courses that I loved, the rest I did average or just above, but I had a pretty good average. Except that after grade 9, I hated math. It used to be a decent subject for me, until a terrible teacher ruined that for me. Regardless, after grade 10 I stopped taking math, and it is a requirement for the program. This means that I have to upgrade my courses, and head back to and adult learning school. The thought of this terrifies me more than actually going back to school. However, I guess if this is something I really want I need to be willing to do whatever I can to make it happen.
Wish me luck!
Love, N
Best Friend - The Story
Somewhere in the last few years I have forgotten how to stand up for myself, and with that my confidence has been lost as well. As I start motivating myself to become a better person, and understand who I am and what I want more and more, I have begun to recognize subtle changes in myself that I didn't realize until this journey began. These stories will be in effort to put it all on page, in hopes that getting it out of my system and into the open I can begin to understand how to fix myself, and find myself.
These stories are about my best friend, and our stories, and eventually my frustrations with her. This is part one of many to come.
I have a friend, a best friend, we have been friends for what seems like forever. We have this amazing friend story from Grade 8. We had been introduced through mutual friends, and one day after school she invited me over until her mom would come home from work and drive me home with my cheese order. She lived not too far from our school, so we picked up our MacMillan's cheese orders and headed to her house. When we got there, she rooted through her backpack to learn that she had forgotten her key. We searched the backyard for a spare but came up with nothing. We made the decision to walk to my house, which was about 15 minutes away. Now, I forgot to mention that it was the middle of winter, and it there was snowy rain coming down. We made it to my house, soaked to the bone, and absolutely freezing. We had a hot chocolate and played some Balderdash, and later on after she went home, I received a phone call from her letting me know that she had found her key in her backpack. We always looked at it as a sign that we were meant to be best friends forever.
We spent grade 8, 9, and some of grade 10 inseparable. We were together all the time, and actually had this funny thing where we would write each other notes every night, and swap them every morning. It's hilarious looking back at them now, because they are all about boys, and the fact that we had just gotten off the phone with one another, or we were looking forward to spending the upcoming weekend together. Nothing of real importance was ever recorded, and we have hundreds of notes from each other. Anyways, in was in grade 10 when we decided to go our separate ways, looking back it was absolutely ridiculous, but it happened nonetheless. We had both started hanging out with different people. We always had different groups of friends once high school started, but I think anyone who has been through high school knows what it can be like. Neither one of us liked each others groups of friends, so rather than just remain friends, we consciously decided to end our inseparable friendship. I actually think I remember the exact moment, I could be wrong, but I remember walking through the cafeteria with her discussing our options. She told me how much she didn't like my friends, because they were rude, and had the attitude that they thought they were better than everyone else (which looking back now I realize that this was true, and still is true, but that's a different story). I told her how much I didn't like her friends, for reasons that I don't think I ever said, but I thought they were losers, and I might have been wrong, but again we all know how high school can be (we all want to be somebody, in a sea of nobodies).
We spent the rest of high school barely talking, saying hi in the halls, but that was about it. Itwasn't until after grade 12, when the summer ended that we finally reunited our friendship, but that's another story waiting to be told...
Love, N
These stories are about my best friend, and our stories, and eventually my frustrations with her. This is part one of many to come.
I have a friend, a best friend, we have been friends for what seems like forever. We have this amazing friend story from Grade 8. We had been introduced through mutual friends, and one day after school she invited me over until her mom would come home from work and drive me home with my cheese order. She lived not too far from our school, so we picked up our MacMillan's cheese orders and headed to her house. When we got there, she rooted through her backpack to learn that she had forgotten her key. We searched the backyard for a spare but came up with nothing. We made the decision to walk to my house, which was about 15 minutes away. Now, I forgot to mention that it was the middle of winter, and it there was snowy rain coming down. We made it to my house, soaked to the bone, and absolutely freezing. We had a hot chocolate and played some Balderdash, and later on after she went home, I received a phone call from her letting me know that she had found her key in her backpack. We always looked at it as a sign that we were meant to be best friends forever.
We spent grade 8, 9, and some of grade 10 inseparable. We were together all the time, and actually had this funny thing where we would write each other notes every night, and swap them every morning. It's hilarious looking back at them now, because they are all about boys, and the fact that we had just gotten off the phone with one another, or we were looking forward to spending the upcoming weekend together. Nothing of real importance was ever recorded, and we have hundreds of notes from each other. Anyways, in was in grade 10 when we decided to go our separate ways, looking back it was absolutely ridiculous, but it happened nonetheless. We had both started hanging out with different people. We always had different groups of friends once high school started, but I think anyone who has been through high school knows what it can be like. Neither one of us liked each others groups of friends, so rather than just remain friends, we consciously decided to end our inseparable friendship. I actually think I remember the exact moment, I could be wrong, but I remember walking through the cafeteria with her discussing our options. She told me how much she didn't like my friends, because they were rude, and had the attitude that they thought they were better than everyone else (which looking back now I realize that this was true, and still is true, but that's a different story). I told her how much I didn't like her friends, for reasons that I don't think I ever said, but I thought they were losers, and I might have been wrong, but again we all know how high school can be (we all want to be somebody, in a sea of nobodies).
We spent the rest of high school barely talking, saying hi in the halls, but that was about it. Itwasn't until after grade 12, when the summer ended that we finally reunited our friendship, but that's another story waiting to be told...
Love, N
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