Thoughts

I remember who I was, and I know who I want to be, but for some reason I have been stuck in this rut, for how long I'm not even sure, being neither of these people. Lost.
I wonder though, is the person I thought I was the person I actually was? Or was I oblivious to what was going on around me, or lying to myself about who I was or thought I was? These questions have been ringing through my head for the last couple of months, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them.
I was talking with a friend at work, and we were talking about how to change your way of thinking, and just start processing it all. I asked him how you were to begin processing it all, and he told me to just sit down and start writing. I couldn't believe how simple the answer was. I have been feeling so off, and so down on myself for so long, and all I had to do was sit down and write? It got me thinking, I have always been a writer, English was my favourite class, and I always had a diary, although I was never able to be completely honest with myself or the diary for fear of myself reading it and not liking what was on the page, or of someone else finding it and figuring out what was really going on inside of my head. I knew for my own success of figuring it all out I needed to change the medium of how I wrote. I have another friend who is going through her own sadness, and she started an online journal to put all of her thoughts on. This idea came back to me as I started motivating myself to change. Here I am...
I have this unbelievable pull to keep thinking about the past, and basing where I am right now, and where I want to be on the past. I can sit here and tell my self that looking to the past is meaningless, and only stalling my progress, but it feels like it doesn't matter. I wonder if maybe there is a reason I am looking backwards, something I am supposed to see, I'm hoping that getting everything out of my head is going to help me see.
I was always super outgoing, I made friends easily, and fit in with pretty much everyone. My teachers loved me, my bosses, my family, aunts and uncles, and most people I came in contact with. I was always described as bubbly, and happy all the time. I had lots of friends, and had great confidence in myself, and pretty much everything I did. I was also always known as a talker, always having something to say, now it feels like I hardly talk, and when I do I feel self conscious about what it is I am saying, and find myself wondering if people even care. I know I don't need to go back to who I was, but I certainly don't want to continue with the person I am right now.
I have all these dreams and aspirations, but they have been hard to keep track of, and I have lost the will to want to succeed. I have become so afraid of failure that I haven't been putting myself out there. I have been thinking about going back to school. I took a year off after high school, and then headed off to University out of town. I was in a course that I wasn't really interested in, and in a city which was absolutely dreadful. I was there because I thought I needed to go to school. I started the year out on a great note, I was president of the Residence Council, and had a great job at a new restaurant, but it wasn't long until the downward spiral began (which is another story). I ended up receiving a letter in the mail back at home in the summer. I kept it from my parents for weeks, until my mom finally found it, and it was then out in the open that I had been put on a year probation because I had failed most of my classes, and barely passed the rest. (This is the first time I think I have been truly honest about what has gone on in my past, and maybe some of the reasons I am in the place where I am at right now...maybe this is the reason I am still looking so hard to the past - I need to finally let out all of my hidden demons, all of the things I feel ashamed of, and have hid for so long, or just not dealt with because of the disgust I feel for some of the things that have happened. I need to accept my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and just be honest, get it off my chest.)
It's been 2 years since I failed out of University, I never decided to go back, partly because I was ashamed, part because I had no money, and because I knew it wasn't for me, and it never was. I know that I don't want to go back to school again for something that I am not interested in, but for the last 2 years I haven't been able to find what moves me. My boyfriend asks me all the time, "what moves you?" and I don't even know how to answer that question.
There are a lot of things that I am interested in, a lot of them seem unattainable, and not very practical. I've always had expensive taste and a flair for fashion, but for where I am at in my life right now, moving in those directions just doesn't seem possible. Now I know that anything is possible, but I feel like I need to find something to do that I enjoy, and then move towards the dreams. I was looking at Business Marketing programs today, which is something I have always thought about, but never really thought about. After reading up on the program it sounds like something I would definitely be interested in, and a program that I would be keep focused on because it was something I wanted for myself. Then I came to the requirements, I was always a pretty good high school student, although I only really excelled in the courses that I loved, the rest I did average or just above, but I had a pretty good average. Except that after grade 9, I hated math. It used to be a decent subject for me, until a terrible teacher ruined that for me. Regardless, after grade 10 I stopped taking math, and it is a requirement for the program. This means that I have to upgrade my courses, and head back to and adult learning school. The thought of this terrifies me more than actually going back to school. However, I guess if this is something I really want I need to be willing to do whatever I can to make it happen.
Wish me luck!

Love, N